Abandonment issues can be resolved.
Feelings of abandonment can be worked through in a loving relationship with a partner who understands. However, what’s critically important is that these fears be communicated and owned by you.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner must change his or her behaviour. But through his or her loving care and understanding you can begin to resolve these fears. You resolve them by experiencing something different.
In other words, your fears might come up but you aren’t left behind. Repeatedly over time, your brain will learn to trust your partner and you will experience less fear in the events and interactions of your relationship.
This process can take years however and because our fears in relationships can undermine a solid foundation, some folks proactively work them out in counseling. This is often the best option – working them out before they reach a crisis when therapeutic interventions are less effective.
And, because these patterned responses are ingrained implicitly, they don’t easily lend themselves to left-brain based talk therapies alone. This is why it’s so important to have right-brain-based strategies in your psychotherapy. Right brain based interventions are experienced.
And, it’s through experience that you change the brain.
… the brain’s plasticity, or adaptability, continues as long as we live. This means that you can replace that template at any time, but you need to have new experiences. You need to somehow reproduce the conditions in which your personal template was originally formed so that a new one can arise.
If childhood experiences taught you not to trust, healthy long term relationships can be tricky.
My approach has been intellectual and logical, which works … a little. Thinking rationally, however, is, a weak defense against the emotions that surface when triggered. To offset this imbalance, I’ve become super intellectual, but still, intense feelings of fear, hurt and anger appear under circumstances where I have only imagined reasons not to trust. I will, for the first time, now admit this.
I experience vigilance, suspicion and over developed doubt. My mind plays fantasies where I am once again being wronged, lied to, cheated on, and so on. I fight paranoia with logic and by seeking a lot of reassurance.
Still, I keep checking for what I expect to find until I find it, and when I do find it, this intermittent reinforcement strengthens the emotional response. The problem is, if people were only lying or cheating on me 1 in 100 of the times I suspected it, I am needlessly nervous and stressed out.
Until this weekend, I have thought there was no other way, that my feelings are unavoidable due to my experiences.
My intellectual understanding of this does not keep the feelings from surfacing.
How do I reprogram my emotions with “a right brained intervention?” This is the “deep work” I am doing, what I must do to move to the next level of intimacy. I have avoided it, I have danced around it for too many years.
If something is dramatic, we wrongly see it as more frequent.
I blame this simple flaw of perception for gambling casinos, the war on terror, and the roller coaster of love.
To find your full inner strength, the self confidence that becomes your life long grounding, update the memories that most disturb you. Update them with new experiences, new responses to old memories.
As a songwriter for many years, I’m lucky to have a chronicle of my emotional history. I am now re-working and finishing those 88 songs. Only now I understand why doing this is important to me. I see the reason for my journey. I have my direction, my intention set on the best possible horizon. Life is good today!